Join for FREE | Take the Tour Lost Password?
Shop deviantART for the
holidays and save BIG!
Click here! :holly:
[x]

deviantART

:flirty:
 

Becoming a Fish by `GaioumonBatou:iconGaioumonBatou:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Human Nature > Open


"Someday I will become a fish,"
he said to the sea,
though the ocean's harsh features
said otherwise;

rigid white foam sloshed him
along the coast, and his
calloused feet met with
loose, swirling brown
and soft, connected tan-
shore's edge greeted him instead.

Still he pressed onward.
bitter salt coating his innards,
outside encased in sand;
plowing through waves discouraged him
but also gave him reason to try harder.
He fought against the ebb, with the flow
until finally-

he pushed, the ocean pulled:
feet struck mud where shoulders leveled
with the ocean itself-
and the ocean allowed it,
swelling peacefully at his sides.

"Oh yes," he said to the sea,
"someday I will become a fish."
©2008-2009 `GaioumonBatou
:icongaioumonbatou:

Author's Comments

Prosetry. Based on a day at Huntington Beach.

I am alive, this is proof. However, this needs work. Help?

Critiques


Thank you for your Critique

You are not logged in.

Comments


love 1 1 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconkakashisama:
~Kakashisama Jun 23, 2008, 1:45:51 PM
I think it's cool. Sorry I can't help you improve it because writing isn't my forte. ^^;

Sloshed...that word completely stands out to me for some reason...oh, because it's a slang term for getting overly drunk. :XD:
:icondutchgirlie07:
~dutchgirlie07 Jun 23, 2008, 2:23:51 PM
The imagery is wonderful. You can totally see it in your head. I'm not liking the second stanza too much. The part where you say
"and his
calloused feet met with
loose, swirling brown
and soft, connected tan-
shore's edge greeted him instead"
It doesn't seem right to me. I don't really know what it is, but it just doesn't fit somehow.
Also, the second stanza doesn't sound like your character is willing to fight with the sea. The emotion isn't really present there.

Hopefully that helps.

--
You're not here to dictate your life to someone else. You write your own story. WRITE IT. Live it. Love it.
:iconthebangzats:
~thebangzats Jun 23, 2008, 5:00:58 PM
Nice work, and I always get jealous every time I read a poem structure like this one.
EVERY TIME I try to make a poem that is fully based on story/concept rather that rhyming, it doesn't feel right (to me), even though I really want to.

I type a non-rhyming poem, re-read it, and every time, I'd delete the whole thing TT_TT

A closed minded poet who cannot explore the vast variety of poetry structures

--
Call me 'Bang', 'James Bang'
:iconkafawlith:
~kafawlith Jun 24, 2008, 10:38:55 AM
with the ocean itself-
and the ocean allowed it,
-- I do not much care for the repetition of "ocean" here, but if it was your intention to use it and it serves some purpose, I wish not to disrupt the flow you were meant to have. I simply not did enjoy it upon reading the stanza.

The rest, however, is quite nice. It has a certain ring to it that longs for the sea, or maybe that is just how I read it. Either way, I feel like I want to go sailing now.

:hmm:

--
'A stranger with a head full of lead photographs me.' - Steven Wilson
:icongaioumonbatou:
`GaioumonBatou Jun 25, 2008, 7:14:59 PM
Ah, thank you for pointing that out! It was not intentional, I will fix that upon revision. Thank you very much for the feedback! :)

--
"HeHeHe. Lit Community. We are our own brand of Special." `GeneratingHype

*Adopt-A-Writer | =DailyDeviants | *Writers-Workshop

Awesome avatar by =neekko
:icongaioumonbatou:
`GaioumonBatou Jun 25, 2008, 7:15:34 PM
Is it really? XD I didn't know that...

--
"HeHeHe. Lit Community. We are our own brand of Special." `GeneratingHype

*Adopt-A-Writer | =DailyDeviants | *Writers-Workshop

Awesome avatar by =neekko
:icongaioumonbatou:
`GaioumonBatou Jun 25, 2008, 7:28:03 PM
There isn't really supposed to be emotion in that part. He wants to be with the ocean, not fight it. It's kind of a double edged sword in that sense. I'll take a look at the second stanza upon revision, though. Thanks for the feedback! :)

--
"HeHeHe. Lit Community. We are our own brand of Special." `GeneratingHype

*Adopt-A-Writer | =DailyDeviants | *Writers-Workshop

Awesome avatar by =neekko
:icongaioumonbatou:
`GaioumonBatou Jun 25, 2008, 7:34:43 PM
Thank you. As a suggestion for that, though, just start writing and refuse to let yourself stop. You can always go back and edit and change things until you're happy with the end result. :nod:

The best way to get past that is by writing until you start becoming satisfied with the end result, just keep trying until something works! :)

--
"HeHeHe. Lit Community. We are our own brand of Special." `GeneratingHype

*Adopt-A-Writer | =DailyDeviants | *Writers-Workshop

Awesome avatar by =neekko
:icondutchgirlie07:
~dutchgirlie07 Jun 25, 2008, 8:05:57 PM
No problem.

--
You're not here to dictate your life to someone else. You write your own story. WRITE IT. Live it. Love it.
Previous Page123Next Page

Details

June 23, 2008
939 bytes

Statistics

20
8 [who?]
157 (2 today)
2 (0 today)

Site Map

©2009 deviantART. All rights reserved
About Us | Contact Us | Site Tour | Help & FAQ Advertise | Services Etiquette | Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | Copyright Policy